What is pillow talk?
“Pillow talk is an intimate, authentic, unguarded conversation that occurs between two lovers,” explains Alisa Ruby Bash, PsyD, LMFT.
Bash says this type of safe, loving, genuine connection and communication usually occurs in bed or while cuddling. It also may happen before or after sex with a partner, but sex doesn’t have to be part of the equation.
Allen Wagner, LMFT, who specializes in couples and relationships, says these conversations often don’t involve eye contact, which allows you to speak more unconsciously, unaware of the nonverbal cues of your partner. One of the reasons pillow talk works, he says, is because it allows for more in-depth conversations without self-censorship.
How to get started
To get started, Wagner says that couples need to sometimes plan for these things. “As a couples counselor, I often suggest a planned conversation for 10 minutes, where you cannot talk about issues with your relationship, your job, your friends (or their relationships), kids, other family members, politics, social media, etc.,” explains Wagner.
He sees this as a time to go back to who you used to be and figure out what moved you, what fed you, and what you aspired for as a couple.
Although intimacy can be scary for some people, especially in the initial stages of a relationship, Bash says it’s the most important way we maintain long-lasting relationships. Some ways to help are to:
- look into each other’s eyes
- reassure the other person
Also, Bash says that revealing our own insecurities can be a great way to begin.
Some examples of pillow talk for couples are :
- Something good that happened to you today,
- Something funny the kids did recently,
- Something nice someone did for you,
- A win at work,
- Something that reminded you of your spouse,
- Something that made you happy,
- A funny YouTube video, and so on.
Appreciate each other
You and your spouse have so many demands on your time; if you aren’t able to connect at the end of the day with a little pillow talk, then you may feel an over-arching disconnect in the marriage.
One big benefit of pillow talk is the connection you will feel. It may only be a few minutes of conversation, but it can mean a world of difference in your marriage. With pillow talk for couples practiced every day, you both get a chance to share your feelings, show the other person you care, feel heard, and then feel grateful for a loving spouse.
The more fulfilling intimate relationship
Distractions are a part of our modern lives—TV, social media, smartphones, and all kinds of gadgets. They plague our days, but when it comes to night time with our spouse, it’s time to turn them off. The fewer distractions in the bedroom, the better.
This allows for more pillow talk, which leads to a stronger connection and loving relationship. What does that lead to? Well, try it and find out. The physical side of your relationship—specifically your intimate relationship—will grow as you continue to engage in more pillow talk. You’ll feel more heard in everyday life with your spouse, which will then lead to feeling more trusting and fulfilled in what goes on behind closed doors.